Hello my lovelies! This post isn’t a Disney post, for which I apologise but it is to do with mental health, which is something else very very close to my heart.
I’ve briefly mentioned before that I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), generalised anxiety disorder, and depression, all of which can be extremely difficult to deal with but they make me who I am so although I hate them, without them I wouldn’t be who I am today. I might talk more about my anxiety and depression another time but for today I want to talk about BPD and the reality of it and living with it.
For those of you that don’t know what BPD is heres a quick explanation for you; BPD is a serious mental illness that can cause unstable moods, behaviours, and relationships, meaning a person can be very impulsive/reckless and struggle to regulate their emotions. Now thats the rough explanation you’ll see online or get told by a doctor/psychiatrist which is fine and it tells you plain and simply what it is, however its not exactly how it is for most people with BPD, theres normally a lot more to it than that.
For the most part its thought that BPD is caused by multiple traumatic experiences in your childhood/early teenage years that you didn’t know how to cope with so your mind thought BPD was what it needed to survive. Now yes for me that is true; I was verbally and physically bullied throughout primary school and then verbally bullied at secondary school, one of my older sisters died when I was 10 of complications from anorexia, another one of my sisters suddenly left my life when I was 16 for reasons I do not know, and as I child I often felt second to my younger brother as he has autism so understandably needed that bit more attention than me (now I can understand this completely, and do not blame my parents what so ever, however my psych thinks its a very important contributing factor!) So yes I do agree with my psychiatrist when she tells me I have BPD, I don’t however like her explanation of it…
I prefer to explain it as this…
BPD is going to bed every night not knowing what emotion you’re going to feel in the morning and how long thats going to last for.
BPD is then waking up in the morning feeling one thing, and then another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another all in the space of an hour.
BPD is not even knowing what you’re feeling. I feel 100’s of emotions in the space of 1 morning but most of the time I don’t even know how I feel…I’m as high as a kite but I want to kill myself.
BPD is having a constant fear of being abandoned that never ever goes away no matter what the person you’re scared is going to abandon you says because you’ve been abandoned too many times before.
BPD is people thinking they’re experts in whats wrong with you when in actually fact they’ve just read what wiki has to say and now think they’ve got a PHD in mental health.
BPD is constantly thinking that people are judging you. Constantly. ‘Why did that person just glance over at me? What did I do? *mentally analyses everything you’ve done so far today* Why did they look at me? I shouldn’t come here again incase someone else looks at me, clearly I shouldn’t be here, it was obviously something I did wrong because I’m a bad person.’
BPD is suffering the horrific psychosis, the deafeningly loud voices and vividly clear hallucinations that haunt you everyday and night no matter what you tell them they don’t go away; in fact, that makes them worse.
BPD is wanting to express your emotions like a ‘normal’ person but instead screaming in their face when they say hello or crying because its a Tuesday.
BPD is getting to the end of the day and being exhausted, but not because its been physically exhausting but because you’ve experienced that many emotions, felt abandoned so many times, and been that impulsive that your brain is fried and doesn’t know what to think or do next.
BPD is trying to explain to people who ask what caused your condition and then when you do they say you’re overreacting and people have got it a lot worse. Yes people might have it a lot worse, but this is my life and this is how its ended up so I’m allowed to feel this way.
BPD is learning to accept the fact that you’re allowed to be sad, happy, angry, disgusted, scared, etc but you’ve got to learn to control them and know how to handle them, which is a lot more difficult than it might seem.
BPD is excruciating paranoia. All the time. About everything and anything.
BPD is been so ridiculously impulsive that you do things without batting an eyelid at the consequences but then being so ridiculously organised at the same time that you somehow manage to make all the impulsiveness line and up work. However they won’t actually ever work out so don’t get excited, you’ll just make a million different plans of scenarios in your head of which they could work out so that makes you feel better.
But despite all this things, BPD makes me me. I’m not going to lie to you and say that i’m happy I have it as its part of me, multiple times a week I say to Stuart that without it I’d be a better, nicer, and easier person to live with and love; in spite of all that, I still wouldn’t want it to go because without it I wouldn’t have impulsively adopted Chester, I would’t be so passionate about Disney and going to all the parks, I wouldn’t be as organised as I am despite my impulsiveness meaning Stuart wouldn’t have a clue what we were up to in the next couple of weeks/months and I wouldn’t have started this blog!
I’m sorry if this post hasn’t been all magical and excited as the rest of my posts have been but life isn’t always magical and happy and this is my life and my blog is part of my life.
See you soon for a really excited post about Disney as it shall only be 3 WEEKS TO GO!