about me · Uncategorized

Let me be sad about my infertility!

Firstly, Yet again I apologise for the delay in posts and honestly I don’t really have an excuse other than a crap ton of life stuff has been happening which I’ve not really known how to write about or wanted to write about; However, I feel I need to and want to address this subject.

If you read my last post you might have read that I’d just found out that I don’t ovulate but that was about all I knew; oh how things have changed.

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On October 27th I went to my gynecologist to see if we could get some more information on why the hell I don’t ovulate and why I seem to have a maximum of 2 periods a year (it sounds great, they last 10+ weeks each time so trust me, its not). After she’d done the exam of my lady area etc, she sat down and just had that look on her face where she didn’t even need to say anything as I knew it wasn’t going to be good. Apparently on my ultrasound everything seemed alright, no cysts or fibroids etc, however all my symptoms have pointed towards Polycystic ovarian syndrome even though I have a lack of cysts on my ovaries (it happens apparently). When she told me this I thought “I can cope with this, take this pill to help regulate me and lose some weight to help with some of the symptoms. I’ve got this, its no big deal”, but then what she said next just hit me like a train; my ovaries don’t work and more than likely never have, and my womb is ‘an inhospitable environment’, making me infertile.

Now you might be thinking, ‘theres medication you can take to help you start ovulating, and even operations! They can fix you, you’ll be fine’. These things are great if all thats wrong is that you don’t ovulate, however I have an inhospitable environment as well meaning that any sperm that makes its way to my womb is not only not met by an egg but gets shot down and destroyed by my womb! There isn’t very much they can do for an inhospitable womb so even if they could make me ovulate theres no point because my womb is having none of it as it hates me.

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At first I was pretty alright with it, I think it was shock more than anything, but then as the day went on the more it started to hit me, the more I just sat there wondering what the future holds, until I got to the point where all I could do it cry. Yes I felt/and still do feel sorry for myself because at the end of the day I’ve been told I can’t be a mum to my own biological children, so yes I’m allowed to feel sad about that, but I also feel so much guilt and like I’ve let down so many people; I feel like I’ve let Stuart down for not being able to provide him with the children that I know he so desperately would like, I feel like I’ve let my parents and Stuart’s parents down for not being able to provide them with the grandchildren I know they want (they’ve both already got several grandchildren but of course they want more), and I feel like me and Stuart are going to miss out on so much as we get older when everyone else is getting pregnant and having families of their own.

I’m aware that there are other methods of having children, but the only one I feel comfortable with is adoption; surrogacy sounds great because it would biologically be mine and Stuart’s child but I just can’t deal with the fact that someone else is getting to carry my child, getting to bond with my child while I have to sit on the sidelines waiting for them to make an appearance. Whereas with adoption, yes I know its obviously not biologically mine and Stuart’s child, we can still have a child that is waiting to be loved and trust me when I say me and Stuart will love that child with all of our hearts.

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I felt like I needed to put this story out there as normally you here stories of couples in their late 20’s/ 30’s who are having fertility issues, its not common to see stories from people in there early 20’s due to the fact that a lot of people in their early 20’s are still in uni or just starting work so thinking of starting a family isn’t something they have tendency to do. However their are still a lot of people out their who are around my age and are thinking of having children now, but for some of them they might be having troubles like me and Stuart are and lets be honest most people turn to the web now for support so I just want them to have something to read and let them know that they aren’t alone!

For now, me and Stuart are learning to be happy knowing that Chester and Kylo are truly the only babies we’ll be having anytime soon, and do you know what? Looking at these faces, I think I’m going to be okay with that.

Until next time,

Jenny xx

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